


Heal

by Eve1978



Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Stucky - Fandom
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky deserves all the comfort in the world, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dealing with the aftermath of Endgame, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 12:11:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18716830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: This is another Endgame comfort fic that takes place shortly after the movie.Reader and Bucky help each other deal with the loss of Steve Rogers.If you don’t ship Stucky skip this one. I’m still salty about the Endgame ending so that will definitely shine through in this fic ;)





	Heal

The warm water of the shower usually calmed you down and helped you relax after a workout but today it didn’t really seem to do the trick.

You used to love having these little moments to yourself, half an hour out of your busy schedule where you could just let your mind wander and think without being interrupted. 

But thinking was the absolute last thing you wanted to do right now. 

It was all you ever did lately, what else was there left to do?

You tried to stick to your daily routine of going for a run in the mornings and then having a quick workout later in the evening but the truth was you’d been half-assing both of them lately. 

If there was nothing left to fight for why even bother staying in shape?

You knew that was a lie, there would always be something to fight for. Always another evil to defeat, another big bad, just around the corner lurking and waiting to attack and you knew you’d have to be ready when it eventually happened.

It was inevitable and it was up to those who were still left to keep on fighting now.

You stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, trying to avoid looking at yourself in the mirror.

There were still some bruises there, and the cut on your chin wasn’t completely healed yet. It had been a little over two weeks now since the snap. Since the whole world changed, for the better. Or so they said.

You’d just been asleep, unaware that when you’d wake up from the sleep that wasn’t really a sleep five years would have gone by and nothing would be as it was before.

After putting on some sweatpants and a t-shirt you made your way over to the living room, expecting to be alone, like most nights. Everyone kept pretty much to themselves these days, dealing with their own grief and loss and trying to process what had happened in the privacy of their own space.

You wanted to talk about it, god you wanted to scream about it, but you didn’t want to burden anyone else with your pain when they were all going through their own. 

So much had changed, and even with the ability to travel through time now there was still no way to turn back the clock and undo what happened, bring back those who got lost. The irony of it all still made you angry.

You grabbed a cold drink from the fridge before making your way over to the couch, surprised to find someone already sitting there, alone and quiet in his corner.

 _Bucky_.

Your heart broke at the sight of him, his long hair covering his face, his legs curled up next to him while he stared at the tv that wasn’t even playing. He wore sweatpants and a t-shirt and his face had the same dead expression you’d seen on him for the past two weeks now. He’d barely spoken a word about it to anyone but his sadness echoed in every room of this building.

Steve was gone. 

The man who came back may as well have been a stranger. It wasn’t the same man who stepped onto that platform and chose to disappear. It wasn’t your Steve, and it most definitely wasn’t Bucky’s Steve.

“Bucky?” you asked carefully.

He looked up and gave you a smile, or at least something that had to pass for a smile.

You placed your drink on the table and sat down next to him. “Is everyone else asleep or what?”

“I think Bruce is downstairs in the lab, Wanda’s up in her room, not sure about the rest,” he leaned back against the couch with a sigh and for a moment you both just sat there in silence.

“Have you talked to him?” you then asked.

“No, and I ain’t gonna,” Bucky answered.

Neither of you needed to speak his name, you both knew who you were talking about.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Buck,” you spoke the words in an attempt to comfort him but you watched Bucky’s face fall at your last word.

“Don’t call me that, please.”

You hadn’t given it any second thought but of course, Buck was _his_ nickname for Bucky and while it wasn’t the first time you’d used it and Bucky used to love it when you did, things were different now. It was too painful, the wound was too fresh.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”

“’It’s not your fault, I just…,” he sighed deeply,” I just can’t right now.”

You didn’t say anything but you carefully leaned a little closer. Your arm leaned against Bucky’s as you both sat in silence again. You wanted to console him, put you arms around him and hug all the sadness right out of him because if anyone in this world didn’t deserve to be sad it was Bucky Barnes. 

But you knew he wouldn’t accept that comfort until he was ready for it.

Until then all you could do was be there for him. 

The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, it never was between you two, being friends with Bucky was literally one of the easiest things in the world. It had been since the first day you met, three years ago. 

Well technically 8 years ago now.

“Have _you_?” Bucky asked softly after a while,” Have you talked to him?”

“No,” you shook your head,” but Sam keeps asking.”

“You should, I mean, if you want to, you should,” Bucky stumbled over his words a little,” You shouldn’t be afraid to talk to him just because I…”

“I don’t want to,” you interrupted him and your eyes met Bucky’s, a hint of thankfulness in between all the blue. “Not yet anyway,” you added.

The truth was you weren’t sure if that feeling would ever change. 

Steve left, took the stones and then never came back. You weren’t sure if you could ever forgive him for that.

“He never even said goodbye to me,” you then sighed.

“Consider yourself lucky, I kinda wish he’d just took off without ever telling me, would have been less painful.”

You thought over Bucky’s words and realized that maybe he was right. You weren’t sure what you would have done if Steve had told you about his plan. 

Kicked his ass, probably. Cried a lot, definitely. You wouldn’t have been as graceful as Bucky had been, that’s for sure.

Steve saved you, both of you, he fought Thanos and brought everyone back, you oughta be thankful, and happy for him. And you were, it was just…not that simple.

Not only did he leave all his friends behind but he broke Bucky’s heart. Even if you’d find it in your own heart to forgive him for the first part, that last part was something you could never ever forgive. 

“He didn’t know,” Bucky spoke,”He never knew, how I felt about him. All those years and I never found it in me to tell him, somehow I just always…assumed he knew, assumed I meant something to him”

“You did, you were his friend, Bucky.”

“So were you,” Bucky pointed out and he carefully let his head rest against your shoulder,”And you lost him too. He left all of us.”

“Yeah,” you sighed,”but my loss is not the same as yours.”

“A loss is a loss, hurts either way.”

“Yes, it does,” you acknowledged.

“And you know what else?” Bucky continued, anger overtaking his voice suddenly,”I just don’t understand why he’s allowed to fuck off into the past to go get his happy ending while we’re left here dealing with shit. We don’t have the option go hide into some 1940’s fantasy where everything’s peachy and perfect, we have to stay right here, suck it up and keep going, no matter how fucking hard or painful it is. I get that he deserved rest because he’s fought so hard all his life but goddamned so have I, so have many of us.”

You reached for Bucky’s hand and laced your fingers with his, he instantly latched on and let out a deep sigh.

“I just don’t understand it,” he then sighed.

“Me neither, Bucky.”

You both didn’t know what else to say for a moment, Bucky’s thumb gently rubbed against the skin of your hand while he let his head sink down further onto your shoulder.

His voice was shaking when he spoke again,“I just don’t understand why he couldn’t love me.” All anger was gone now and replaced by a heavy sadness,”But he never did, did he?”

“Bucky,” you turned towards him to look into his eyes, you’d expected to find tears there but the sight of Bucky crying still ripped your heart in two. You cupped his face with both hands and leaned close. 

“Why doesn’t he want me?” Bucky cried, no longer ashamed of his tears now and not holding any of them back anymore,”Why am I not good enough? Why am I never good enough?”  
  
His beard was soft under your fingers, his cheeks wet and the broken look in his beautiful blue eyes was enough to make you cry too.

”You are good enough,” you whispered through your tears,” You are worth everything, Bucky Barnes, and you deserve more than this world can ever give you. And if Steve can’t see just how special you are then he’s an idiot who never deserved you to begin with.”

“I hate him,” Bucky spewed out, his voice breaking with his emotions,” I fucking hate him…but I love him so much.”

He broke down in your arms after that and for a long time you both cried while you held him close to you. You kissed his hair and rubbed his back and whispered all the words of comfort you could come up with, until eventually Bucky’s heavy sobs changed to a more quiet crying. He was still clinging to you and you had no intention of ever letting him go again. 

It took a long time for him to finally stop crying and move back from you a little, wiping away his tears with an embarrassed look on his face. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Thank you for allowing me to see that,” you spoke softly, surprising him with your words. Bucky smiled with relief, it wasn’t a real actual smile yet but it was a start.

He still had his arms around you and you were still softly stroking his hair, going by the way he leaned into your touch he didn’t seem to mind. He was seeking out comfort now, and you would give it to him in any way he needed it.

You loved Bucky Barnes more than he would ever know. More than he needed to know, because just as Bucky had never confessed his feelings to Steve, you never confessed yours to Bucky.

Bucky belonged with Steve, if there was anything you knew to be true in this world it was that.

It didn’t matter that they weren’t an actual couple, their love was right there in everything they did for each other, the way they spoke to each other, took care of each other, the way they looked at each other or touched each other.

It didn’t need to be defined.

And it wasn’t just coming from Bucky’s side, it was Steve too. 

At least that’s what you had always believed but apparently Steve had you both fooled.

Bucky hugged you again, pulling you from your thoughts.

“Hey, I love you,” he then whispered,”You know that, right?”

Your heart melted and this time you were the one who started crying when he pulled you close,”I love you too, Bucky.”

There wasn’t a lot left in this world that made sense at the moment but this right here always would. Maybe it wasn’t the kind of love you’d hoped for but it was the kind of love you got and you wouldn’t change it for anything else.

“God, we’re pathetic,” you cried while wiping your tears away.

“Naah, Steve’s the pathetic one,” Bucky pointed out.

“Can’t even argue with that.”

Bucky gently cupped your face and caressed your cheek, putting a smile on your face.

“I’m glad you’re with me,” he then spoke,”If this is really the end for me and Steve then…if you weren’t here I’m not sure what I’d do.”

“Well, maybe it’s not the end,” you pointed out.

Bucky raised his eye brow while you both broke from the hug to settle back on the couch.

“How can it not be the end? He has one foot in the grave already.”

“Bucky!” you tried not to laugh at his harsh tone. “Okay, I’m no expert in time travel,” you continued.

“None of us are, clearly.”

You smiled,”Listen, just because Steve came back to this point in time as an old man doesn’t mean he can’t come back later as a younger version of himself, right? I mean, what if he found a way to travel back and forth whenever he wanted, to whichever points in time he wanted? He could pop by next week for all we know.”

Bucky stared at you blankly for a few moments before shaking his head,”There are a lot of flaws in your logic.”

You laughed,”Probably, but…if they told you years ago that this was possible at all not a single soul on earth would have believed you. Yet here we are, having our very own time machine.”

“But it can’t just be used at will,” Bucky pointed out.

“Not now maybe, but who knows what we’ll be able to do in the future?”

Bucky rolled his eyes,”Ugh, time travel makes my fucking head hurt. Besides, if that’s really what Steve did then why wouldn’t he just tell us that so we wouldn’t all be so mad at him right now?”

You thought about that one for a moment until you remembered one very late night conversation with Stephen Strange last week, in which he tried to explain the concept of time travel to you. 

The night had ended with you wanting to pull your hair out in frustration and getting pretty drunk afterwards but there was one thing you did remember.

_“If he tells you what happens it won’t happen.”_

Bucky’s eyes met yours and for the first time you could see a glimmer of hope there, but it faded as quickly as it appeared.

“I can’t…I don’t believe that,” he then rejected,”I mean I want to but I can’t.”

You took his hand again and nodded your head,”It’s okay, I understand.”

Hope was a dangerous thing, while it held the power to keep you going when you’d rather give up it also held the power to shatter your world into a million more pieces once it finally fell apart.

You didn’t blame Bucky for not wanting to grab onto it right now.

“Do you wanna watch a movie then?” you suggested, sensing that it would be better to drop the Steve talk for now and try and distract him.

“Yeah, okay, sounds good to me. Any suggestions?”

“Back to the future?” you teased.

“Oh _haha.”_

“Sorry, too soon?” you gave him a mischievous smile and Bucky responded by pulling you into his arms again, making you laugh.

“Just pick something happy,” he then asked,”No time travel, no sappy hetero love story, no one dies and there’s no plot holes whatsoever.”

“Well, you just ruled out 98% of all Hollywood movies,” you joked, putting another smile on Bucky’s face and making your heart leap.

“Just pick something, I trust you.”

“Okay, hang on,” you left the couch for a few minutes to grab drinks and some more snacks, making sure to get some of Bucky’s favorites, before you sat back down next to him,”Need anything else before I pick the movie?”

“Just one more thing,” he asked softly,”Can we just cuddle while we watch it?”

You smiled,”Yes, we can cuddle as long as you want. Come over here.”

Bucky placed his head in your lap and his arm around your waist. You leaned down to kiss his forehead before slowly petting his hair and holding him close to you while you browsed the Netflix menu.

“Tell me everything’s gonna be okay,” he asked softly.

“Everything’s gonna be okay, Bucky.”


End file.
